It was just like any other morning.
I woke up, brushed my teeth, washed my face and walked over to the scale with hesitation, in fear of what the damage might be after a binge. I stood there for a second looking at it. While I was afraid to see the number, I also felt compelled to know.
It was like I had to know.
The scale would hold me accountable, I thought. If I knew how much weight I had gained, then I would know how strict I’d have to be with my diet and how intensely I’d have to work out.
It would be just the motivation I needed to get back on the wagon and stay on it this time. For good.
I lifted my right foot on to the scale, and then my left. I watched the needle jump a little bit before slowing down to a stop.
My heart sank.
I had gained a few pounds over night. Shit.
I immediately felt bad about myself. “You’re so out of control around food, you’re fat and ugly. You need to get rid of this extra weight.”
In just a matter of seconds my mood had completely changed.
I felt ashamed yet panic.
I started making plans for that day…, coffee and an apple for breakfast. Lunch will be a salad no croutons or dressing and maybe I’d have some chicken for dinner or just skip it all together.
And I was going on a run after school.
I felt more at peace just knowing that today I would use my willpower and control to finally get it right.
I came home and jumped on the scale again without even thinking about it. It was a habit at this point, to micromanage my weight constantly.
And I could hold out on my plan for a short amount of time, but like clockwork, I always fell off the wagon eventually and always getting on the scale. Reliving this experience as if I was rehearsing a scene for movie.
Except that it was my life.
And maybe you can relate. Maybe you occasionally or chronically weight yourself, too. Perhaps it effects your mood and influences the food you eat and how you move your body.
Today on the podcast I talk about the scale and how it contributes to a disordered relationship with food and further disconnects us from our Body Wisdom.
If you’re someone who feels like you must weigh yourself or maybe you even want to weigh yourself for various reasons, I encourage you to take a listen.